Confusion
by Couture Girl
Summary: Rabastan hates being confused especially when it comes to his feelings and relationship towards his brother Rodolphus.


**AN: Written for An Incestuous Challenge with the pairing: Rabastan/Rodolphus Lestrange with the prompts: sleep, strangle, swallow and for HedwigBlack's Weekly Challenge: Slash pairing with obviously Rab and Rod with the prompts: blood, memory submit and dignity and finally Hogwarts Online II; Prompt of the Day: 'Have some fire, be unstoppable, be a force of nature, and don't give a damn what anyone thinks."**

**Much love to Sara Darkotter for looking this over!**

**Dedicated to Gamma Orionis for making me love this pairing and for being such a wonderful mother in cheering me to write my first slash pairing!**

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It was strange-well at least for Rabastan that Rod and him could only be together while they were in the Manor during vacation and not once in school. The reasons were quite clear, or at least that was what Rodolphus would say. Hogwarts was where Rod could be without worries of being caught with Narcissa, his excuse was that he was preparing for marriage with Bellatrix-also the fact that Bellatrix didn't let him touch her. Who was he to deny pretty little Cissy when she was willing to please him. Rab detested pretty little Cissy. Much more than Bellatrix, at least she wasn't running after his brother. He had told his brother that he was willing, but Rod wouldn't have none of it. He would say that the Manor was intimate, that he preferred to be with him in their home not in a cold castle where anyone could see them.

The Manor was the place where they most likely could be caught and he shivered by thinking what their Mother would say seeing both of her sons together like a woman and man, their engagements would be annulled and be shamed that they were doing acts siblings were not allowed to do. She would most likely strangle them for doing this sort of thing, and many times he had tried to convince his brother that it would happen if Mother did catch them, Rodolphus would just roll his eyes and say, "It would be expensive too bury us, she'll hide it and make us marry." A smirk would follow and his hand rubbing his back would make his worries end. Unfortunately they would rush back in and torment him.

When Rodolphus would leave to his bed chambers, leaving Rabastan, he would immediately awake by the nightmares that were plaguing him, causing his sleep to vanish completely. His guilt was eating him up, not because of what he was doing with Rod or that both were lying to their parents but that he feared that in the end, Rodolphus would end what they had and banish him away, not even letting him be his brother. And what then? He loved Rod, and he was his brother, then a lover. And he couldn't even think about not having the two. A bond that strong to be broken would make him go crazy. But he would have Andromeda, and just thinking of her, not only his guilt would triple, but confusion as well. Rabastan did love Andromeda, she was the only girl he loved to this point of his life, that interested him, that understood him and he was very grateful that one day they would marry. For if he had to marry a woman, it would be her.

One day when they were in his room he had asked Rodolphus about this confusion he had been having. "Do you love me?" He asked him. The question had made Rod smile and shake his head.

"Of course I do, you're my brother." Rod answered simply. "Why wouldn't I love you?" He asked him perplexed.

Rodolphus' answer had dampened his mood, "Do you love me because we're brothers? Or do you love me more than brothers?"

Rod sighed, "Why are you asking me so many questions about this? I love you because we're brothers."

Rabastan frowned, he had thought that Rod would say he loved him more than brothers loved each other, for what they had wasn't a simply brotherly love it was much more, it was stronger and pure. He knew it was wrong to love his brother-who was a man. But wouldn't it be worse to love a man that was a mudblood? Rodolphus' blood was pure, and wasn't that enough to erase the fact that they were brothers? But it was quite clear to him that Rodolphus did not feel the same as Rab felt for him.

Rodolphus seeing that his answer had made him quiet decided to explain his reason.

"For me, love has different levels...I love Bella like my future wife and mother of my children and I love you like my brother, you like Bella will forever be in my heart, next to me...it's hard to explain, but I love you two the most." His hand began to rub his back, tying to make his questions disappear, questions were doubts and doubts smothered you until it broke you and Rod didn't like questions.

"If you love Bella so much, why are you with Narcissa?" Rabastan asked him, aware he had left himself from that same question. For if he thought, his brother was cheating on Bella with him as well.

Rod groaned, his hand stopping, "I don't love Narcissa. She loves me but I don't, love and sex is different. I have sex with Cissy and I love Bella. So it isn't like I'm cheating." He said looking at his brother, "You should know that."

His words had felt as if he had been slapped.

"_You should know that."_

It was like what they had was sex and not love. When it was quite clear that for Rabastan it was love, pure love for his brother. Pulling away from his hand he grabbed the covers of his bed and hide himself, biting the inside of his cheek, trying to stop the angry tears threatening to escape.

"Merlin, Rab! Are you going to cry now?" Rodolphus hissed and pulled the covers away, and frowned at seeing his brother hugging himself and looking in pain. "You asked me, it's not my fault I answered, either way you would be crying if I hadn't answered."

Rabastan was just silent and didn't answer, just swallowing gulps of air, trying to clean himself from dark thoughts of trying to tell his brother that they should end what they were doing when it was quite clear that he didn't feel the same for him.

"Alright then, if you're so fond of asking questions, I'll return the favor. Why are you with me if you so clearly are happy about marrying Andromeda? You're cheating on your future wife."

Rab sat up and glared at his brother, "I am not! If I were cheating on Andromeda it would be with a woman and you aren't a women yo-"

Rodolphus laughed, "Oh Rab, your way of thinking is quite sad and pathetic, you know? It's cheating, doesn't matter the sex of the person."

Rabastan's face went red, his hands fisting in anger, "Then you're cheating on Bellatrix with Narcissa and me." He sneered but then berated himself for putting himself in this situation.

His brother shook his head, "No. Like I said before what I have with Cissy is sex-lust if that makes you understand. It's power that I have over her, she submits to me. You're my brother and what I feel for you is brotherly love, only that we're doing what most siblings don't have the guts do to, we're expanding our love that we have. But _you_, you are cheating on Andromeda because you love me like you love her, don't you?"

Rab decided to ignore the question because it was true and it only made him more confused than he had been five minutes ago.

Rodolphus sneered, "You know what? I'm tired of your silly questions it's only making me say things that later will be hold against me. And I know where these silly questions are coming from. It's your dignity that can't take that we're both doing 'unclean' acts like Mother says. You should stop listening to Mother! Have some fire, be unstoppable, be a force of nature, and don't give a damn what anyone thinks. You are your own person and if you want to be with me, then don't question why you want to be with me, accept it, Rabastan!"

He began to dress and stood up and looked at him, "You really need to accept what you are before you can accept what we have or what you have with Andromeda." Turning around he opened the door and left his brother who just looked down at his hands. It wasn't fair that he was confused, he didn't ask to be confused about his feelings on what he wanted, he just wished this confusion would have disappeared so he hadn't ruin his time with Rodolphus, his confusion meant questions and questions meant anger and anger meant separation. Something that quite clearly happened right now, sighing he laid down his bed and looked at the empty side of his bed, next time his confusion tried to come out he would stop it by remembering by what had happened just now, this memory could really make it go away and maybe with time erase his confused feelings in the future.

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**AN: Taken from Gamma and my head!canon. Uh, I hope you liked this and I would really appreciate some feedback! Please review!**


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